If You Experience Joy All the Time, Is It Really Anything Special?

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By Emily Marder

This Shabbat, I look back on my experience as a camper at Camp Harlam. As I hear the words of Chavurah campers speaking of their camp memories and all of their friends and counselors who have changed their lives, I realize just how unique my camper experience was.

I have several fond memories from camp including Sheldon, our GG1 mouse and dancing to “Mayim” in the shower when all of the water in Girls Camp shut off. I remember rapping about our Galil hike while on our way to a hike that would soon be rained out, and then getting a huge amount of ice-cream on the way home when the sun came up. I remember stealing SO MANY FIG NEWTONS when no one else ate them during K’farRahPalooza. I remember my first song leading experiences, including my first KabShab and Siyum L’yom in K’far Noar and then all of our campfires and Havdalah’s in Chavurah.

While I have these fun camp memories, I remember even more clearly the feelings that I felt throughout my summers. I remember feeling down frequently. I remember feeling like nobody liked me or even knew that I existed, even though I did hang out around them. I remember feeling like I had no one to talk to and feeling like no one would understand if I did try to talk to them.

I now sit in the Chapel in the Woods as a Carmel Assistant Supervisor, remembering those feelings and realizing how grateful I am to have felt them. Last night, I watched my campers shape and participate in their Carmel Shabbat service with the theme of simcha or joy. As my co’s and I were brainstorming what we wanted to say during the service, we realized something that actually has shaped my entire camp experience – if you experience joy all the time, is it really anything special? Is it even joy at all?

Even after feeling those things that I felt as a camper, there was a part of me that kept convincing me to come back. I now am experiencing camp from an entirely new perspective. This summer marks a year since I reached out to get help, a year since I found out I have a mood disorder, and I year since I started a new medication. It’s been a year of healing. This session, I’ve made so many memories like today’s Chavurah campers have spoken about. Like Cinnamon, our staff week model Carmel camper. Like a camper calling herself a “sleepy potato.” or like songleading on the hill for the first time and singing my heart out while standing on benches during Shabbat song sessions.

Most importantly, I feel like I belong, both in this job and in this beautiful place that finally feels fully like home. I’m surrounded by all of my friends, both new friends and old friends that I am so thankful to have gotten to reconnect with. 5 years later, I now feel all of the love from my former counselors, some who have been with me throughout this entire journey. I feel so many new connections to this place that have really always been there, even though it has taken me until now to find them.

I am in absolute awe of the work being done at camp today to ensure that as many people as possible can feel comfortable here and experience the beauty of camp, no matter who they are. Thank you, Camp Harlam, for always being there for me for me, for helping me grow into who I am today, and for giving me the incredible opportunity to shape the lives of my campers.

Emily Mader is an Assistant Unit Head for Camel first session and Sharon second session. She returns the camp this year after spending two summers on staff at Harlam Day Camp. She attends Temple University where she is studying Early Childhood and Elementary Education.