Welcome to fall and the first of our “MESH Moment of the Month” series that will continue until camp begins again because our Harlam community matters to us all year long. This blog is written by Cori Miller, who oversees Camp Harlam’s Camper Care department that focuses on supporting the Mental, Emotional, and Social Health (MESH) needs of everyone in the Harlam community. Cori is also a licensed social worker in Pennsylvania and a National Instructor for Youth Mental Health First Aid.
“Give Your Child the Gift of Feeling Uncomfortable”
One of the most important skills we can help kids build is resiliency. This happens when kids face hardship but overcome it and often come out of the struggle both stronger and wiser. I challenge you to find an article about the benefits of overnight camp that doesn’t push “builds resiliency” as a reason to send your child to camp. But why is it so important? I want to share some thoughts on this because I know that for parents, it’s hard at times to see value in children struggling. But if we can look at the struggle through a different lens and remember that this is what kids needs to develop resiliency – and so many other skills that will help them persevere and grow most healthy emotionally – then parents can breathe easier and take credit for playing a role in helping their kids build new skills. Easier said than done; this is no easy feat.
What kids learn from struggle – whether about the feelings they feel, the tactics they use to manage the feelings, or the actions they take to address the struggle – gives kids the practice they will need as their issues and struggles grow larger as they develop and move through adolescence and into adulthood. Camp is one place where this can happen until the watchful eyes of staff members poised to oversee and support kids through both good times and bad. Camp can be the springboard to resiliency, but in our homes, we also need to be sure to give children the opportunity to struggle and sometimes fail. Parents need to know it’s okay to let challenge run its course, while also remaining diligent in recognizing when there is a need to rescue our kids from discomfort so that they aren’t in despair.
Kids need practice being uncomfortable. Plain and simple. Practice is what we all need to do things better, maybe even perfect. Practice makes perfect, right? I challenge you to think about whether there is much you would be good at the very first time. The same is true of emotional discomfort. If we don’t allow our kids this practice, we aren’t giving them the opportunity to figure out how to manage the feelings that go along with the discomfort. When we do provide this space, we are setting our children up to persevere and flourish. It gives kids the opportunity for their internal voice to tell them, “I’ve felt this way before and I can manage it. This feeling won’t last.” It gives kids hope, grows confidence, and builds resilience.
Stop yourself from swooping in to fix your child’s problems and instead play a role in supporting discomfort, be that sending a child to camp for the first time or allowing your child to navigate social or academic struggles with you narrating and supporting from the sidelines. Think, “I know this is hard, but I know you’ll get through it,” or “I’m sorry you’re struggling and if you need anything, I’m here for you.” Both send the message to your child that you have confidence in their abilities, instill hope that there may not be longevity in the discomfort, and demonstrate that you’re in your child’s corner.
People don’t like to feel uncomfortable, but if we never do, we will never be able to be independent. We will never grow or learn about ourselves. We will never know that we can do things better than we thought or that if we don’t, that’s okay too. Grow comfortable with your child’s discomfort. It’s giving your child a gift you’ll get great returns on, all while giving you practice and building resiliency of your own!