Welcome to the next in our “MESH Moment of the Month” series that will continue until camp begins again because our Harlam community matters to us all year long. This blog is written by Cori Miller, who oversees Camp Harlam’s Camper Care department that focuses on supporting the Mental, Emotional, and Social Health (MESH) needs of everyone in the Harlam community. Cori is also a licensed social worker in Pennsylvania and a National Instructor for Youth Mental Health First Aid.

MESH Moment of the Month: Choices Shmoices
By Cori Miller

I’m going to start off by stating some things you’ve probably been hearing quite regularly recently. There are rising rates of anxiety and depression among children. We are facing a mental health crisis in this country. Suicide rates are on the rise. The pandemic has taken a negative toll on children. These things are true. It’s hard to dispute.

It’s also hard to dispute that parents, adults, or anyone working with youth would want to make things harder for kids. The intent is always good, but sometimes it’s important to think about the impact. I believe it’s possible that giving kids choices, at least some kids, or at least at some times, is actually counterproductive to our intentions. Instead of empowering kids or helping them to feel in control, it can actually do the opposite. It can cause emotional dysregulation and create more uncertainty at times when it is easily avoidable. I’m not sure I would have argued this a few years ago, but over the past 18 months, I have been forced to look at things a bit differently during, wait for it, another frequently heard phrase, this time of uncertainty.

In my last MESH post, I talked about discomfort and the growth that comes when kids are pushed out of their comfort zone. I even mentioned camp as a safe space for kids to be uncomfortable. But I also talked about knowing how far outside of a comfort zone to push. I feel similarly about choices. This isn’t a blog to share about the danger of choices, but more a piece to help you reflect on what amount of choices, if any, is right to offer your child, or any child that you care about. We are living in a time of uncertainty. Anxiety is fueled by uncertainty. In fact, anxiety in its rawest sense is the fear of not knowing what’s to come. It’s the reason that many kids diagnosed with anxiety prior to the pandemic, who already had developed strategies for dealing with the unknown, thrived and were able to apply these skills to help them manage the feelings that came with uncertainty. Essentially, kids with a history of anxiety had some practice dealing with the emotions that came with uncertain schedules, schooling, ability to leave home, and more. For those without a history of anxiety, some met uncertainty with ease and for others, there was a learning curve but an opportunity to build new skills.

One silver lining of the pandemic is that it likely better positioned many children to move through life and hopefully manage with greater ease the discomfort and uncertainty that accompanies the impending transitions to middle school, high school, and even college. But there is only so much kids should have to endure. How many of you have asked a child to decide between two things only to be sorry you ever asked? That is because the act of making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities doesn’t always feel good. What do you want for dinner, chicken or pasta? What movie do you want to watch, the action or the comedy? What time do you want to leave to visit grandma? We ask kids a lot of questions with the intent of illustrating that their opinions matter and that they can be in charge. But nowadays, asking a lot of questions or giving a lot of choices causes a lot of children to feel overloaded and leads to meltdowns, and even worse, shutdowns.

There is already enough uncertainty in childrens’ lives, so it’s time to think about what choices are worth giving. What topics or issues does your child need to have a say in to help them thrive? Giving kids choices about what is important to them matters because it helps give life meaning, but what things can we decide without our child’s input to aid in their stability? Telling your child what to do and limiting choices may have a greater impact on your child’s wellness right now. It might just give your child the stability and grounding they need. Sometimes simply saying, “we are having chicken for dinner at 6” is a great gift to give your child. And it can make parenting, or at least your meals, go a little smoother as well! So don’t underestimate the role you can play in helping your child, at age 2 or 20, to breathe easier. I’ll leave you with the choice: you decide what to give your child choices on and what to decide for them. You’re the expert on your child, and whatever you decide is right. And we will make the choices at camp so that you can breathe easier too!