Welcome to the next in our “MESSH Moment of the Month” series that will continue until camp begins again because our Harlam community matters to us all year long. This blog is written by Cori Miller, who oversees Camp Harlam’s Camper Care department that focuses on supporting the Mental, Emotional, Social and Spiritual Health (MESSH) needs of everyone in the Harlam community. Cori is also a licensed social worker in Pennsylvania and a National Instructor for Youth Mental Health First Aid.

MESSH Moment of the Month: Kids Need to Know You Can Handle What They Tell You

By Cori Miller

There have been countless books and article written about opening the line of communication between parents and children.  Phrases like “how to talk so kids will listen” and “how to listen so kids will talk” have been around for what seems like eternity.  But times, they have changed.  The conversations parents now need to have with their kids is different than the last generation. And, in addition there is the realization that kids have more to wrestle with that the current generation of parents didn’t have to contend with as children.  As if “when I was a kid” was ever a positive starting point with our children, even more so now, there almost couldn’t be a worse approach to conversing with children today.  All of this of course, makes the job of strengthening communication with children even more challenging.

One primary goal of parenting is to raise kids who can manage stressors in life without negative coping strategies.  Developing a culture in your home where it is okay to talk about things that are hard to talk about can only help these efforts.  So how do we adapt? One thing that is abundantly clear:  children need to know that we can handle whatever it is they tell us.  That is important.  That requires all parents to ask themselves a myriad of questions regularly. Can I handle if my child tells me they are sad? Or my child comes to me to have a conversation about bullying?  Or to ask about or share about drug or alcohol use?  Can I handle if my child discloses something about their gender identify or sexuality?  Can I handle if my child asks to see a therapist?  Can I handle if my child shares about self-harm or thoughts of suicide?  How about if my child comes to me with any of these topics to share concern for a friend?  That last one is important. Even if your child isn’t dealing with any of these challenges, they most likely have a friend who is.  We know that children often place their friendships above any other relationship in their lives so the pain and turmoil they might feel to support a peer is just as emotionally draining and straining than if our children themselves were dealing with the issues.

And, as if the job of parenting wasn’t difficult enough, so much of what comes naturally as a human being to support a person we love is often the exact opposite of what they need.  Sorry folks.  With this herculean task, perhaps this month’s blog, different from last month’s about choices, is best suited for a small bullet list of how to create a culture within your homes where you kids share and you have the confidence to respond.

Stay silent (for as long as you are able) when your child shares information. The more you talk, the less time your child has to talk.  The less you talk, the more your child can share (and less chance of you saying something your child doesn’t like, which would end the conversation anyway!)

Don’t fix, just assist:  Resist the urge to try to make things better. It minimizes your child’s struggle and makes them feel lectured to rather than listened to.

Get comfortable saying “I’m glad you told me.”  This may be the best thing you can ever do as a parent. It conveys everything you want your child to know without requiring you to have the answers. It also gives you the time and the space to assess and think about what comes next. Look at the difficult questions iterated above about your preparedness in responding to what your child might bring your way and try to argue that “I’m glad you told me” isn’t a perfect first response.

Don’t start sentences with “Thank goodness you’re not….” When we try to start conversations with pride about how a child is doing by comparison to others, it doesn’t leave the child with confidence that if things change, you could handle it. Resist the urge to commend your child in this way: “Thank goodness you’re able to manage your schoolwork.” or “Thank goodness you aren’t struggling with depression.” It conveys to your child that that your pride in them is based on them doing well, rather than the idea that you’re in their corner no matter what. It will also almost always make them think you’re not okay when they have friends who struggle.

Make sure your child doesn’t feel alone in their feelings. Hopelessness is a byproduct of feeling alone, and we should be doing everything we can to make sure kids don’t feel this way. Caution your child from comparing how someone looks to be doing on the outside with how they are feeling on the inside.   Continuing to make sure your child is aware that what they see on social media isn’t an accurate depiction of how peers are doing will help them compare themselves to others less, and hopefully recognize that more likely, they have peers who feel the same way. For older kids, helping them to audit how they portray themselves on social media can aid this process and help them to understand that even they might portray positivity and happiness at moments when they feel the opposite.

Commend your child for naming their feelings (even the ones you wish they weren’t feeling). Kids need to hear the message that it’s okay to not be okay. If you have a child that shares how they are feeling, you are very lucky! Naming feelings is the first step to figuring out how to manage the feelings.  This is a process most of us continue refining throughout our lives, so having a child that starts practicing in their youth is wonderful. Help your child to think about why they feel that way, as well as about what things they can do to tame the feeling.

Showing vulnerability and sharing feelings isn’t easy for anyone – that includes parents! Don’t forget that it is as important for adults as it is for children to understand and to recognize that how things look on the surface can be vastly different than what is lurking underneath. Find your trusted network so that you can secure your safety bar on this rollercoaster ride of parenting!